In the interest of bringing German talent to a non-German audience, I translated a Wise Guys hit from the nineties called "Zur Lage der Nation" ("The State of the Nation"). This song takes German nationalism to a new level: satire. At least one immigrant was amused.
The original German lyrics, by Daniel Dickopf, can be found here, music here.
The State of the Nation
I fear our country has a crumbling foundation.
Too many foreigners, an ever-present grief.
That's why I say let's put a stop to immigration!
Head scarves and minarets don't fit our leitmotif.
Today our IT branch has barely any Germans,
And for that we have the Indians to thank.
What a pity that our own kids aren't a-learnin'
How to get a pretty penny in the bank.
Listen up! The nation needs a face lift.
I've got a plan - perhaps you catch my drift:
We'll put the wall back up tomorrow,
to restore a bit of order.
This one won't cut through the middle,
but instead protect the border.
Then Oktoberfest won't be
just in October anymore
And the riffraff of the world
won't come knocking at our door.
With mashed potatoes, pickled pork,
and sauerkraut galore
We'll celebrate by clapping
to an oom-pah score!
We lost many soccer games against our neighbors
Countless shots, they flew right past our defense.
But no more we'll be denied fruits of our labours,
If we have no foreign teams to play against.
The only problem that remains: Mallorca Island.
We can't live without those sunny, Spanish sands.
But what's to stop us from importing mini-Deutschland?
In the North Sea there is plenty of room to expand!
So listen up! The nation needs a face lift
I've got a plan - perhaps you catch my drift:
We'll put the wall back up tomorrow,
...
Imagine Sushi's out and cauliflower's in.
And the Alps belong to Heidi and kin.
And even Opel might exhibit recov'ry,
In this picture-perfect, modern Germany.
We'll put the wall back up tomorrow,
...
09 November, 2009
18 September, 2009
Gerbamia
This is the new word I coined for the collective thoughts and feelings of Germans toward the Obamas. Many fellow Americans have asked me some version of the following in the past year: "What do Germans think about Obama?" Sometimes added on, "Are they as crazy about him as we are?" Then they make it personal: "Do you feel a little better being an American abroad?" Sometimes they jump directly, by way of assumption, to, "Bet the US has a better reputation abroad now that we have the Obama administration."
All I can say is that, according to Die Zeit, a major German newspaper, (Link for those who read German), Obama is appearing to Germans in their dreams. One woman in this article describes getting into a car with Obama; she didn't know why, but there was a "clear sense of departure." Another dreamer discovers a check for 300,000 € in the back pocket of her jeans - signed by Michelle Obama. On a similar note, a middle-aged man dreamed he received a job offer from the US president. His new role? To help Obama understand the hearts and minds of the Germans.
But as with all things German, this enthusiasm is tempered with some sobriety. Before the November 2008 election, as Obama was leading the polls, Germans kept saying, "Well, even if he makes it, he's gonna got shot." This is just an indication of how desperately the world needed a leader to give us a little more hope and faith. Luckily, I don't hear this fear/comment any more.
But the skepticism has lingered in other forms; Germans are very hesitant, for example, to embrace the charisma that Obama possesses. The caution comes from fact that the most charismatic German leader on the books is also the one responsible for millions of brutally ended lives. (Here is a clear explanation of how a ban on political rhetoric and pomp and circumstance got written into the German constitution post-Hitler.) Therefore, modern Germans are used to politicians who are (lifeless), matter-of-fact reciters of their positions. So no matter how much Obama proves to be a man of his word, Germans will hold his rhetorical prowess against him to some degree.
By the same principle, many Germans were grotesquely fascinated watching the unprecedented ceremony surrounding Obama's ascension to office. In fact, I would wager to say that Obama's being sworn in captured significantly more TV viewers than a major event leading up to next week's German general election: the formal debate between Chancellor Angela Merkel and her contender, Frank-Walter Steinmeier. It isn't that Germans don't care about domestic politics or don't want to know where Merkel and Steinmeier stand. It is just that politics in Germany is far more about parties than about individuals, so a TV duel is contrived in the first place. And, as Obama was taking his oath, I do think a lot of emotion - whether permitted or not - welled up in the collective German Geist.
(That this essay leaves out how Germans view Obama's individual policies is intentional. Each topic could be a blog entry in itself: health care, Afghanistan, economic stimulus policies, actions against global warming... Suffice to say what is obvious to anyone with a few ounces of grey matter: a welcome departure from the white man with the cowboy hat.)
All I can say is that, according to Die Zeit, a major German newspaper, (Link for those who read German), Obama is appearing to Germans in their dreams. One woman in this article describes getting into a car with Obama; she didn't know why, but there was a "clear sense of departure." Another dreamer discovers a check for 300,000 € in the back pocket of her jeans - signed by Michelle Obama. On a similar note, a middle-aged man dreamed he received a job offer from the US president. His new role? To help Obama understand the hearts and minds of the Germans.
But as with all things German, this enthusiasm is tempered with some sobriety. Before the November 2008 election, as Obama was leading the polls, Germans kept saying, "Well, even if he makes it, he's gonna got shot." This is just an indication of how desperately the world needed a leader to give us a little more hope and faith. Luckily, I don't hear this fear/comment any more.
But the skepticism has lingered in other forms; Germans are very hesitant, for example, to embrace the charisma that Obama possesses. The caution comes from fact that the most charismatic German leader on the books is also the one responsible for millions of brutally ended lives. (Here is a clear explanation of how a ban on political rhetoric and pomp and circumstance got written into the German constitution post-Hitler.) Therefore, modern Germans are used to politicians who are (lifeless), matter-of-fact reciters of their positions. So no matter how much Obama proves to be a man of his word, Germans will hold his rhetorical prowess against him to some degree.
By the same principle, many Germans were grotesquely fascinated watching the unprecedented ceremony surrounding Obama's ascension to office. In fact, I would wager to say that Obama's being sworn in captured significantly more TV viewers than a major event leading up to next week's German general election: the formal debate between Chancellor Angela Merkel and her contender, Frank-Walter Steinmeier. It isn't that Germans don't care about domestic politics or don't want to know where Merkel and Steinmeier stand. It is just that politics in Germany is far more about parties than about individuals, so a TV duel is contrived in the first place. And, as Obama was taking his oath, I do think a lot of emotion - whether permitted or not - welled up in the collective German Geist.
(That this essay leaves out how Germans view Obama's individual policies is intentional. Each topic could be a blog entry in itself: health care, Afghanistan, economic stimulus policies, actions against global warming... Suffice to say what is obvious to anyone with a few ounces of grey matter: a welcome departure from the white man with the cowboy hat.)
13 June, 2009
For my niece Cecilia, born today
Hello there, my dear Cecilia
Here you are in a brand new world!
We're glad that you have joined us
(especially cuz you're a girl)
We watched you grow on Blogger,
To your temperament grew wise.
We were wowed as little hiccups
From the uterus met our eyes.
Before you were Cecilia called,
The nickname Chickpea was installed.
As Facebook updates fed us news,
All your stats we had - down pat.
We were indeed insatiable
For Chickpea this and Chickpea that.
Fun as it was to follow your
prenatal track, howe'er wide-eyed,
We longed to kiss your soft, round head,
and are glad you're on the outside!
On this wondrous day of your birth,
Here's some advice, for what it's worth:
Milk your status of being queen,
Before a sibling arrives on the scene.
Take after me, wear what you like,
A dress with rubber boots is nice
and just a diaper would suffice
for romping around - snow or ice.
Your uncle can be a model, too:
Open your heart up, live for you!
Don't let life's setbacks get you down
and if they do, get outa town.
All told, I know your life will be
A tale of wonder unforeseen.
As you live and love, work and grow
Surprised we'll be by where you go.
04 June, 2009
Lemme aks you summthin
There was a lot of talk about the "the black vote" being the weight that carried Proposition 8 through in California last November. African Americans, who vote Democratic in many instances, took a departure from the Democratic platform on the topic of gay marriage. (According to Wikipedia, 70% voted for the measure to put the clause, "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California," into the state constitution.) That is why I want to tell you a story that goes against the cliché of homophobic African Americans.
This morning, while having my car towed, I got to talking with one of the tow truck drivers, who was a gregarious and funny middle-aged black man.
He was flirting with me in a harmless way, saying, "You got a boyfriend? Cuz, say, you cute."
The towing turned into a visit to the mechanics at his garage, giving us ample opportunity to chat. He told me about the neighborhood, serving in the marines, busting his knee cap, getting to know a few Amish people on a trip hauling electrical equiptment to Chicago last week ("I respect 'em. That's a modest way a life."), and everything in between.
Toward the end of our encounter, he said, "Let me aks you one more thing. You tell me now if I make you uncomftable. You don't hafta answer."
For a second I wondered if he was going to ask me to comment on being a white woman spending the morning with two black men.
"You know earlier I aks you if you have a boyfriend and you says no?"
"Yeah..." Then I was sure he was just going to ask for my phone number - and sorely disappointed. I never expected what came next:
"You got a girlfriend?"
I said, "No, sir, I don't, but I am glad you asked me that." It is the first time in my life I have ever been asked.
"You never know nowadays. My daughter's gay. My ex-wife, too. But it don't bother me one bit."
The other tow truck driver weighed in critically: "Yeah, I know some girls they that way, and I aks em sometimes what make em like that, and they say, 'I bin hurt by too many guys,' but I think, women's capable a hurtin, too."
This opened the door for my conversation partner to respond with eloquent disagreement: "Yeah I hear ya man, but ain't nobody made em like that, that's just nature." Then he looked back at me: "You ain't angry a'me for aksin' are ya?"
"No, not at all," I said, wishing I could let him know how much I admired his candid style. "I respect you for asking me that."
"Ahright. Cuz I wouldn'ta thought any diffrently of ya if you'd a said yes."
This morning, while having my car towed, I got to talking with one of the tow truck drivers, who was a gregarious and funny middle-aged black man.
He was flirting with me in a harmless way, saying, "You got a boyfriend? Cuz, say, you cute."
The towing turned into a visit to the mechanics at his garage, giving us ample opportunity to chat. He told me about the neighborhood, serving in the marines, busting his knee cap, getting to know a few Amish people on a trip hauling electrical equiptment to Chicago last week ("I respect 'em. That's a modest way a life."), and everything in between.
Toward the end of our encounter, he said, "Let me aks you one more thing. You tell me now if I make you uncomftable. You don't hafta answer."
For a second I wondered if he was going to ask me to comment on being a white woman spending the morning with two black men.
"You know earlier I aks you if you have a boyfriend and you says no?"
"Yeah..." Then I was sure he was just going to ask for my phone number - and sorely disappointed. I never expected what came next:
"You got a girlfriend?"
I said, "No, sir, I don't, but I am glad you asked me that." It is the first time in my life I have ever been asked.
"You never know nowadays. My daughter's gay. My ex-wife, too. But it don't bother me one bit."
The other tow truck driver weighed in critically: "Yeah, I know some girls they that way, and I aks em sometimes what make em like that, and they say, 'I bin hurt by too many guys,' but I think, women's capable a hurtin, too."
This opened the door for my conversation partner to respond with eloquent disagreement: "Yeah I hear ya man, but ain't nobody made em like that, that's just nature." Then he looked back at me: "You ain't angry a'me for aksin' are ya?"
"No, not at all," I said, wishing I could let him know how much I admired his candid style. "I respect you for asking me that."
"Ahright. Cuz I wouldn'ta thought any diffrently of ya if you'd a said yes."
02 June, 2009
Singularly honest
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
--Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream: Act 1, Scene 2, lines 232-235
In the German popular magazine NEON, there is a special kind of singles ad (Ehrliche Kontaktanzeigen) in which people try as hard as they can to discourage readers from contacting them. Or so it seems at first glance. They feature individuals who share weaknesses with complete strangers that most people would hesitate to share with a shrink, all in the name of honesty. This encapsulates the German mentality described below in "Let's be clear": say it like it is, so that we all know where we stand and what to expect.
What I really want a potential partner to know about me, says one young man, is, "I can be emotionally icy." In case someone might find that attractive, he adds, "Most women who find that an appealing challenge at first lose patience quickly." Nothing like covering all your bases. I didn't think singles ads were supposed to include disclaimers.
A 30 year-old woman from Berlin says she goes weak at the knees over men with big, crooked noses. Can you imagine someone answering that on account of his big, crooked nose? "Dear Berlin, Your ad really grabbed my attention. Enclosed is a snapshot of me that captures how big my nose is."
One lists for ISO (in search of) "Round-the-clock Feminine Care" (weibliche Vollzeitpflege). In other words, anyone ballsy enough to answer his ad should be prepared to wait on him 24/7.
My favorite feature of these ads, however, is the space for "The ex says." People share how they have been labeled by former partners, e.g., needy, jealous, depressed, lacks self-confidence, etc.). In a nutshell, this highlights the qualities that likely contributed to the shipwreck of previous relationships. Does anybody else see the potential for a self-fulfilling prophecy?
But love is blind, and so the number of faults and quirks that people have really is irrelevant to whether a relationship succeeds. The word relationship implies at least two people, which suggests that compatibility is the key to a strong relationship, not perfection, so why not present as honest a picture as you can?*
Also, I find these singles ads extremely refreshing. The ads don't just list off all purpose interests like "walking on the beach" and "an evening of Netflix," but they portray self-reflecting individuals with guts. The portraits remind you of folks you have experienced. They seem real.
*Of course, there are still varying degrees of honesty, as anyone who has ever applied for a job knows.
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
--Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream: Act 1, Scene 2, lines 232-235
In the German popular magazine NEON, there is a special kind of singles ad (Ehrliche Kontaktanzeigen) in which people try as hard as they can to discourage readers from contacting them. Or so it seems at first glance. They feature individuals who share weaknesses with complete strangers that most people would hesitate to share with a shrink, all in the name of honesty. This encapsulates the German mentality described below in "Let's be clear": say it like it is, so that we all know where we stand and what to expect.
What I really want a potential partner to know about me, says one young man, is, "I can be emotionally icy." In case someone might find that attractive, he adds, "Most women who find that an appealing challenge at first lose patience quickly." Nothing like covering all your bases. I didn't think singles ads were supposed to include disclaimers.
A 30 year-old woman from Berlin says she goes weak at the knees over men with big, crooked noses. Can you imagine someone answering that on account of his big, crooked nose? "Dear Berlin, Your ad really grabbed my attention. Enclosed is a snapshot of me that captures how big my nose is."
One lists for ISO (in search of) "Round-the-clock Feminine Care" (weibliche Vollzeitpflege). In other words, anyone ballsy enough to answer his ad should be prepared to wait on him 24/7.
My favorite feature of these ads, however, is the space for "The ex says." People share how they have been labeled by former partners, e.g., needy, jealous, depressed, lacks self-confidence, etc.). In a nutshell, this highlights the qualities that likely contributed to the shipwreck of previous relationships. Does anybody else see the potential for a self-fulfilling prophecy?
But love is blind, and so the number of faults and quirks that people have really is irrelevant to whether a relationship succeeds. The word relationship implies at least two people, which suggests that compatibility is the key to a strong relationship, not perfection, so why not present as honest a picture as you can?*
Also, I find these singles ads extremely refreshing. The ads don't just list off all purpose interests like "walking on the beach" and "an evening of Netflix," but they portray self-reflecting individuals with guts. The portraits remind you of folks you have experienced. They seem real.
*Of course, there are still varying degrees of honesty, as anyone who has ever applied for a job knows.
Let's be clear
I am not the kind of American who compliments your haircut if your bangs really are too short or it reminds me of an oil slick. As a foodie I am also sparing with compliments on people's cooking. In general, you can count on me to tell you what I really think - even if I am quite sure that you don't want to hear it. However, I grew up around plenty of people who would say anything just to make someone else feel good. This puts pressure on others to do the same, because it creates a culture of compliments. That means that, in order to go against the grain, I had to learn tact: to be forthright, but not insulting, candid, but not heartless, and straightforward, but not out of line. In Germany, where everybody says it like it is, this does not apply. Tact is a little known quantity.
In fact I noticed recently that there is not really a proper translation for forthright, candid, or straightforward in German; all three of these words are best translated with ehrlich, the German equivalent of "honest." This takes away a lot of the room for possibilities in analyzing communication. Either you are honest or you are lying. There is no gray zone. Let's look at some examples:
1. Last fall I left Germany for vacation in the US directly after moving to a new city (Bonn). Before my vacation I found an apartment in Bonn and made a verbal agreement with the landlady to sign a contract and move in when I got back from my trip. Two days before my return to Germany (and to a new job), the landlady backed out on me, and I had no choice but to temporarily move in with my then boyfriend and his roommate while I looked for something new. When I explained exactly that to the roommate, who was a complete stranger to me at the time, she said, "What can you expect if you didn't get a signed contract before you left?" This - to my eyes - unsympathetic answer seemed inconsistent with the empathy and generosity she expressed by agreeing to let me move into what was already a cozy apartment for two. But to her eyes she was just giving me an honest answer, and being honest is showing respect.
2. A friend of mine also has a particularly forthright roommate. Recently this roommate invited a bunch of other folks to a party and my friend felt excluded, especially because the party was taking place right around the corner from her work and involved mutual friends. She gently breached the issue the next day by asking, "Why didn't you call me before you left for the party?" A reasonable thing to ask, for two friends who have many common activities. The answer: "Because I didn't feel compelled to extend you an invitation." If you are thinking, this is not for real, or what a bitch, or, what kind of a friendship is that anyway? - then you are starting to see the disparity in ranges of communication styles between the US and Germany.
3. One final example: my roommate's boyfriend said to me, a couple of weeks after we all got back from a hedonistic vacation in southern France: "Hey, can it be that you gained a couple of kilos on our trip?" He insisted that it wasn't meant to be insulting in any way, and I believe him, although I also think I convinced him - for me - it was.
In fact I noticed recently that there is not really a proper translation for forthright, candid, or straightforward in German; all three of these words are best translated with ehrlich, the German equivalent of "honest." This takes away a lot of the room for possibilities in analyzing communication. Either you are honest or you are lying. There is no gray zone. Let's look at some examples:
1. Last fall I left Germany for vacation in the US directly after moving to a new city (Bonn). Before my vacation I found an apartment in Bonn and made a verbal agreement with the landlady to sign a contract and move in when I got back from my trip. Two days before my return to Germany (and to a new job), the landlady backed out on me, and I had no choice but to temporarily move in with my then boyfriend and his roommate while I looked for something new. When I explained exactly that to the roommate, who was a complete stranger to me at the time, she said, "What can you expect if you didn't get a signed contract before you left?" This - to my eyes - unsympathetic answer seemed inconsistent with the empathy and generosity she expressed by agreeing to let me move into what was already a cozy apartment for two. But to her eyes she was just giving me an honest answer, and being honest is showing respect.
2. A friend of mine also has a particularly forthright roommate. Recently this roommate invited a bunch of other folks to a party and my friend felt excluded, especially because the party was taking place right around the corner from her work and involved mutual friends. She gently breached the issue the next day by asking, "Why didn't you call me before you left for the party?" A reasonable thing to ask, for two friends who have many common activities. The answer: "Because I didn't feel compelled to extend you an invitation." If you are thinking, this is not for real, or what a bitch, or, what kind of a friendship is that anyway? - then you are starting to see the disparity in ranges of communication styles between the US and Germany.
3. One final example: my roommate's boyfriend said to me, a couple of weeks after we all got back from a hedonistic vacation in southern France: "Hey, can it be that you gained a couple of kilos on our trip?" He insisted that it wasn't meant to be insulting in any way, and I believe him, although I also think I convinced him - for me - it was.
29 May, 2009
25 May, 2009
I still have a suitcase in...
Today the flamboyant owner of a fabric store asked me, "What is your accent?" The funny thing is: I am in the US. If things continue the way they are going, I will soon be more likely to be taken for a foreigner on my native turf.
Luckily, it turned out the guy has a German-born mother, so I guess he was highly attuned to the sound of a light German inflection. We got to talking about the things I miss when I am here or there and what I look forward to, and he told me his mother's take on switching back and forth between the cultures. He said she is always complaining. When she arrives in the US, she says, "It is impossible to get anywhere here using public transportation," and when she arrives in Germany, she says, "People here are so rude!"
People pose the question on what I miss about the US/Germany (depending on where I currently am) to me all the time. One of my stock answers, handy for surprising my audience and keeping the conversation from getting too heavy, is drinking fountains. In Germany you rarely see a drinking fountain, whereas in the US, you can expect to find them indoors and out in almost every public place.
I think when you live between two cultures and have seen the best and worst sides that both have to offer, you will always see room for improvement where ever you are. Furthermore you will always be missing something, pining after something, feeling incomplete. The German way of expressing this is to say, "I still have a suitcase in Bonn," (or, in German, Ich habe noch einen Koffer in Bonn). That means, "I still have one foot in Bonn" or "I left my heart in Bonn."
But the more I travel back and forth, the more I will be leaving suitcases in Virginia and forgetting mein Herz in Heidelberg, because the idioms (after prepositions) are the first to go - or at least get spliced and blended.
Luckily, it turned out the guy has a German-born mother, so I guess he was highly attuned to the sound of a light German inflection. We got to talking about the things I miss when I am here or there and what I look forward to, and he told me his mother's take on switching back and forth between the cultures. He said she is always complaining. When she arrives in the US, she says, "It is impossible to get anywhere here using public transportation," and when she arrives in Germany, she says, "People here are so rude!"
People pose the question on what I miss about the US/Germany (depending on where I currently am) to me all the time. One of my stock answers, handy for surprising my audience and keeping the conversation from getting too heavy, is drinking fountains. In Germany you rarely see a drinking fountain, whereas in the US, you can expect to find them indoors and out in almost every public place.
I think when you live between two cultures and have seen the best and worst sides that both have to offer, you will always see room for improvement where ever you are. Furthermore you will always be missing something, pining after something, feeling incomplete. The German way of expressing this is to say, "I still have a suitcase in Bonn," (or, in German, Ich habe noch einen Koffer in Bonn). That means, "I still have one foot in Bonn" or "I left my heart in Bonn."
But the more I travel back and forth, the more I will be leaving suitcases in Virginia and forgetting mein Herz in Heidelberg, because the idioms (after prepositions) are the first to go - or at least get spliced and blended.
30 April, 2009
3 tidbits from the past week
Food for thought: My friend S. is spending three months on an organic goat farm in the hills of Bavaria learning to make goat cheese. Her young co-farmer, who grew up in the area, confessed that as a girl she asked her sister, "Where do people without chickens get their eggs?"
Advice: If you are trying to convince a dyed-in-the-wool carnivore that vegetarians can also make good use of a barbecue grill, avoid the T-word.
Good for a chuckle: For the Bonn Marathon last weekend, participants had to register at a "Scheck-In" counter. Some Germans are really on the fence about the growing use of English in everyday life.
Advice: If you are trying to convince a dyed-in-the-wool carnivore that vegetarians can also make good use of a barbecue grill, avoid the T-word.
Good for a chuckle: For the Bonn Marathon last weekend, participants had to register at a "Scheck-In" counter. Some Germans are really on the fence about the growing use of English in everyday life.
27 February, 2009
A free (for all) country, after all?
As a corollary to the entry on things that are smaller than life in the US, I have been wanting to talk about German exceptions to the Recht und Ordung rule, i.e., examples of poorly organized, slipshod, or just plain anarchistic.
This desire was inspired by my attempts to get in a bit of exercise at the public swimming pool around the corner from my apartment. The invigorating plunge into the water helps decrease the stress load of an office job, right? Wrong. Not if you don't have any lap lanes, nor any guidelines on sharing space, cuz at 6 pm the pool is filled with throngs of 9-5ers, and all of them carry on oblivious to the others. Zealous athletes end up next to the day dreamy dilly dalliers. Swimmers weave in and out of each others’ paths so often you'd think it was a contra dance. Try in vain to establish a system. Some say, imagine the lap lanes, swim in circles. But others insist on maintaining a straight line, never deviating right or left, even if another swimmer approaches head on.
The second lapse in orderliness lies in a particularly German use* of the comma, Germans might just call it versatility. If you are a native English speaker you noticed that I just let a comma stand in for a full stop, this is the "versatility" I was talking about. Didn't that drive the obsessive compulsive in you crazy? I don't know if it fits the leitmotiv of this blog, but for what it is worth, I think conjunctions contribute to Recht und Ordung.
True anarchy can be best observed, however, in retail establishments with multiple check out lanes. It starts like this: there aren’t enough employees at the register and the lines snake to the back of the store. Then, inconspicuously, the missing worker returns from his or her coffee break and opens up lane 3 or 4. What do the Germans do? Gallantly step back to let pregnant women and those with few items get through speedily? As a matter of course, notify those furthest ahead of the availability of a new check out counter? No. They stand on their tip toes, ready and waiting for the signal that a register could open. When the “Yes, I’m open!” light blinks on it’s like a shot-gun, and every last scoundrel darts to throw his pack of cigarettes on the fresh counter, leaving a few old ladies trampled in his path. It is worth coming for a visit just to witness the madness.
*a legitimate and accepted use
This desire was inspired by my attempts to get in a bit of exercise at the public swimming pool around the corner from my apartment. The invigorating plunge into the water helps decrease the stress load of an office job, right? Wrong. Not if you don't have any lap lanes, nor any guidelines on sharing space, cuz at 6 pm the pool is filled with throngs of 9-5ers, and all of them carry on oblivious to the others. Zealous athletes end up next to the day dreamy dilly dalliers. Swimmers weave in and out of each others’ paths so often you'd think it was a contra dance. Try in vain to establish a system. Some say, imagine the lap lanes, swim in circles. But others insist on maintaining a straight line, never deviating right or left, even if another swimmer approaches head on.
The second lapse in orderliness lies in a particularly German use* of the comma, Germans might just call it versatility. If you are a native English speaker you noticed that I just let a comma stand in for a full stop, this is the "versatility" I was talking about. Didn't that drive the obsessive compulsive in you crazy? I don't know if it fits the leitmotiv of this blog, but for what it is worth, I think conjunctions contribute to Recht und Ordung.
True anarchy can be best observed, however, in retail establishments with multiple check out lanes. It starts like this: there aren’t enough employees at the register and the lines snake to the back of the store. Then, inconspicuously, the missing worker returns from his or her coffee break and opens up lane 3 or 4. What do the Germans do? Gallantly step back to let pregnant women and those with few items get through speedily? As a matter of course, notify those furthest ahead of the availability of a new check out counter? No. They stand on their tip toes, ready and waiting for the signal that a register could open. When the “Yes, I’m open!” light blinks on it’s like a shot-gun, and every last scoundrel darts to throw his pack of cigarettes on the fresh counter, leaving a few old ladies trampled in his path. It is worth coming for a visit just to witness the madness.
*a legitimate and accepted use
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