Let's be clear

I am not the kind of American who compliments your haircut if your bangs really are too short or it reminds me of an oil slick. As a foodie I am also sparing with compliments on people's cooking. In general, you can count on me to tell you what I really think - even if I am quite sure that you don't want to hear it. However, I grew up around plenty of people who would say anything just to make someone else feel good. This puts pressure on others to do the same, because it creates a culture of compliments. That means that, in order to go against the grain, I had to learn tact: to be forthright, but not insulting, candid, but not heartless, and straightforward, but not out of line. In Germany, where everybody says it like it is, this does not apply. Tact is a little known quantity.

In fact I noticed recently that there is not really a proper translation for forthright, candid, or straightforward in German; all three of these words are best translated with ehrlich, the German equivalent of "honest." This takes away a lot of the room for possibilities in analyzing communication. Either you are honest or you are lying. There is no gray zone. Let's look at some examples:

1. Last fall I left Germany for vacation in the US directly after moving to a new city (Bonn). Before my vacation I found an apartment in Bonn and made a verbal agreement with the landlady to sign a contract and move in when I got back from my trip. Two days before my return to Germany (and to a new job), the landlady backed out on me, and I had no choice but to temporarily move in with my then boyfriend and his roommate while I looked for something new. When I explained exactly that to the roommate, who was a complete stranger to me at the time, she said, "What can you expect if you didn't get a signed contract before you left?" This - to my eyes - unsympathetic answer seemed inconsistent with the empathy and generosity she expressed by agreeing to let me move into what was already a cozy apartment for two. But to her eyes she was just giving me an honest answer, and being honest is showing respect.

2. A friend of mine also has a particularly forthright roommate. Recently this roommate invited a bunch of other folks to a party and my friend felt excluded, especially because the party was taking place right around the corner from her work and involved mutual friends. She gently breached the issue the next day by asking, "Why didn't you call me before you left for the party?" A reasonable thing to ask, for two friends who have many common activities. The answer: "Because I didn't feel compelled to extend you an invitation." If you are thinking, this is not for real, or what a bitch, or, what kind of a friendship is that anyway? - then you are starting to see the disparity in ranges of communication styles between the US and Germany.

3. One final example: my roommate's boyfriend said to me, a couple of weeks after we all got back from a hedonistic vacation in southern France: "Hey, can it be that you gained a couple of kilos on our trip?" He insisted that it wasn't meant to be insulting in any way, and I believe him, although I also think I convinced him - for me - it was.